Henry's Emanations
Spoonery Stories
Rumours had been spreading about a pie shortage, which was a big deal for the pie shop. A large consignment of pies had apparently being destroyed when the lorry carrying them lost control, careered into a petrol station and burst into flames. The pies, which were already cooked, were now extremely well done. That was the rumour anyway. Turns out it was all nonsense and the pies were on their way. The rumours of a lack of pies were a pack of lies.
I had taken a temporary job as a general cleaner and all ground dogs body in a local art gallery. One of the exhibits was a collection of birds made from recycled materials. These ornithological curiosities were notorious for collecting dust, and of course it was yours truly’s job to remove it. This was mostly easy though rather tedious. I say mostly, one of the Jays (there are two) was hung from a high ceiling and I needed a tall ladder to reach it. Just this morning the museum proprietor accused me of never bothering to dust it. I had to tell him that I did dust the other Jay just the other day.
The teddy bear packing machine was malfunctioning. It was packing fine but it was supposed to assemble the pack bears in neat piles. Instead it was pitting them out all over the place. I’d been given the mildly frustrating job of taking over the pling function. I had to collect up all the strewn bears and stack them up neatly. I found I could stack slightly faster than the machine spat them out which meant I take and occasional break and retire downstairs to the relaxation room. I couldn’t rest for long though. After about ten minutes I had to go back upstairs to stack up bears.
A Sketch
A News Report
NR Parliament has been recalled after yesterday’s shocking news. The Prime Minister has made a statement but before we hear about that let’s find out what you, the great British Public think. Damian Dramatical is with some ordinary people - Damian . . .
DD Thanks Johnny . . . so . . . ordinary person, are you shocked by the news?
OP1 Well yes I am as a matter of fact.
DD And how about you?
OP2 I agree with what she said.
DD Excellent, and you?
OP3 I don’t agree with either of them.
DD O . . .kay . . . and you madam, what do you think?
OP4 I think it’s terrible.
DD Good, good . . . er . . . and you, do you think it’s terrible?
OP5 Yes, I certainly do, but I must stress that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.
DD Great, and you sir, what do you think about the news that’s happened?
OP6 What, Chelsea losing?
DD No the other one.
OP6 Oh you mean the thing!
DD Yes!
OP6 No, I haven’t heard about that.
DD A cross section of views there. Back to you . . .
NR Thanks Damian. Damian there with the ordinary public. And . . er . . we can now go live to Garunthus Tubular who is in an average street I believe . . .
GT Yes that’s right Johnny, I’m here in an average street in an average town and . . . there’s no- one else here . . .
NR Some thought provoking opinions somewhere near there no doubt. Well, as if that wasn’t enough do let us know what you think; you can mail us, you can email us, you can text us, tweet us, poke us, prod us, nudge us, you can basically tickle us on any of the platforms.
Well that’s the end of us here now, with the news still in our ears, on a day that might be remembered for while by some of us. This is Johnny Housefire saying goodnight and I hope it’s all okay . . .